This Website Has Solved Cybersecurity. A new parody website generates random excuses to explain why companies got hacked and apologize to their users.

Big companies that hold our personal data get hacked almost every day, but most don’t really know how to deal with getting hacked, especially when it comes to telling users what happened. If you’ve read some data breach disclosures or notices, you know the classic “we take your privacy and security seriously”—truly the “thoughts and prayers” of cybersecurity. No matter how bad the hack is, companies always have an excuse.

Luckily, there’s now a website that automatically generates more original, and entertaining, apologies you can use if your company gets hacked. It’s called “Why the fuck was I breached?” and its excuse generating algorithm spills out truly hilarious excuses.

Here are a few examples:

“The fucking hacking people used Heartbleed to hack the coffee maker. But we have since worked with industry leading specialists, so it will never happen again.”

“The fucking Fancy Bears used a vulnerability in Windows XP SP1 to hack the coffee maker. But we have since worked with industry leading specialists, so it will never happen again.”

“The fucking Iranians used the open door in our basement to transfer 7 petabytes of data. But we have since upskilled our cafeteria staff, so it will never happen again.”

“The fucking teenage hacking prodigies used nefarious techniques to partially disrupt our services. But we have since watched a YouTube video on cyber security, so it will never happen again.”

“The fucking cyber terrorists used IoT malware to extract some private keys. But we have since worked with law enforcement, so it will never happen again.”

I’m not a copyright lawyer, but please feel free to use these next time your company gets hacked because at least you’ll make our job, as reporters who cover data breaches day in and day out, a bit more entertaining.

Source: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/xwe3m4/this-website-has-solved-cybersecurity